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So what are we to do with Iran?
We can't just attack their nuclear facilities. The cunning snakes who lead that land have planted them right among the populace of the country. If we do any kind of bombing, many innocent men, women and children will be killed and many more will be maimed. George Bush will rank right up there with Hitler, Stalin and Khan. As hawkish as I am, I do not want to see that.
So I will once again turn to "diplomacy by other means."
I understand one of the weapons we have been developing at Area 51, or China Lake or Groom Lake or some other damnable deep dark place is a high-intensity particle beam generator. Cool!
So here's the plan. Iranian President Ahmedanutjob is so infatuated with his nuclear program that he visits the facility regularly, sometimes accompanied by the Supreme Leader, the Ayatolla. Ever notice the news video they love to broadcast on Al Jezera where some poor nuclear scientist shows his latest experiment and a giant hot flame shoots out, nearly searing everyone's beards and turbans? That's the key.
Next time Ahmedanutjob and the Supremes visit this location, our particle beam gun will be poised high overhead on a military satellite. There will be a spy on the Iran science team (there's always a spy on the science team... ask Robert Oppenheimer). The spy will have planted a tiny camera in the lab. The camera image will be broadcast up to our satellite which will co-ordinate with the particle gun.
When the poor scientist sap opens the lab equipment to show Ahmedanutjob the Divine Fire, at the very instant the flame shoots up, the particle beam gun will fire a powerful burst of undetectible neutrinos - or fermions or bosons or tachyons or whatever they're cooking up these days - at the lab. The ultra-high-energy beam will pass right through the thick lab walls and strike the lab equipment, interacting with the nuclear fuel there-in which will instantly reach critical mass. The entire lab contents and all its occupants will be dissolved in a bright flash of radiation which will be contained inside the thick lab walls, thereby saving the lives of all who are outside the walls.
By some miraculous coincidence, all of Iran's fanatical religious leaders will be struck down that same day by a Divine Fire. The God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob will be blamed for all this because everyone knows George Bush isn't clever enough to come up with an idea like this.
After the usual number of days of denial, Al Jezera will broadcast the news to the world: Iran's leading party has been dissolved... literally... in an unfortunate accident which also set back Iran's nuclear program by at least ten years. The cause of the accident will appear to be a miscalculation by Iran's nuclear physicists. Unfortunately these men cannot be punished properly because they have gone on to claim their 72 mansions with 72 rooms with 72 virgins in each room.
Condi Rice will again address the UN General Assembly. She will declare Iranian's President and Supreme leader are martyrs. There will be a moment of silence. The Israeli ambassador will pump his arm in silent joy. Iran's remaining governing body will declare new elections to be held as soon as possible.
With the help of our CIA (which is looking for a way to redeem itself) the Iranian people will be emboldened to elect non-religious-fanatic leaders - they'll want leaders like ours, leaders whose only fanaticism is motivated by good old-fashioned personal greed. Thus we just might have a few years of peace in this world. Until China starts acting up.
I'll be working on a solution for that one next.
