1.11.2007

Loving the Unlovable

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In one of his letters to early Christians (which became part of The New Testament), The Apostle Paul opines that Christ would have us "hate evil." But in this same book, Paul exhorts us to love our enemies. How can we mere mortals possibly do both when they seem to be contradictory?

Let's say someone in your own family, or a good friend, is committing acts which by all measures are wrong. Maybe they have a bad drug problem, with all its peripheral evils. Or maybe they are abusing their spouse or children. Maybe they are having homosexual affairs or otherwise behaving in ways you believe are wrong. We separate the person from his deeds, and continue to love that person even though we hate the "evil" he does. But this is easy. After all, he is not really your "enemy."

What if you are the one he is abusing? Are you expected to love the one who abuses you? He may not exactly be an "enemy" but the spiritual presence has to be mighty in our hearts to overcome our instinct to go on the defense. But if we are strong, we find the core of that person, the very thing which caused us to love him in the first place, and separate this from his abuses. But we must also be courageous and confront the evil he does. While protecting ourselves first, we must attempt to enlighten this person to help him change his ways. Most of us say to hell with him, a practical but decidedly un-Christian response.

What if it's an avowed enemy like Hitler or Kim Jong Il or Ahmedinijad, or Charles Manson, or that new boss or landlord or client who's declared he doesn't like you and "wants you out?" No problem in hating the evil they do, right? But how is it possible to love these, our very, very misguided brothers? This is the great challenge of Christianity, yet one of the things which makes it the most noble of belief systems. For its namesake asks that we love the unlovable.

Let's be practical. Despite what today's news looks like, most people, left to their own devices, are basically decent. Of course none of us can know "most people" but at least the ones I know are decent. Most of us - we can thank God for this - will never be acquainted with such despots as Hitler or Pol Pot, and therefore it doesn't really matter what we think about such enemies. The problem weighs upon someone else's shoulders. Psychologists believe it is the very fact of not feeling loved that triggers cruel impulses. Had Hitler's father, the hapless Herr Schicklgruber, not beat young Adolph within inches of his life, putting him in hospital with shattered bones on more than one occasion - had he instead shown the boy some measure of affection, perhaps history would have been different. Perhaps. The same can be wondered about Joe Stalin, and for the same reason.

Few who feel loved feel the need to hurt others. It is simply not natural. But the hard question must be asked: did the beatings of the young Hitler and Stalin cause them to become vengeful, cruel, evil adults, or were they born sociopaths - causing fathers to beat them out of frustration? I think not. This cruelty was passed from one generation down to the next, growing until one generation exploded in a worldwide orgy of death.

I am not here advocating that we should love Hitler or Stalin or Manson. I am merely wondering if they had been loved at an early age by the people closest to them, if they might not have grown into monsters.

Most of us can rejoice in not having relationships with up-and-coming monsters of this sort. Our more down-to-earth challenge is that nasty boss or landlord or client or neighbor or family member who acts with animus toward us. Most difficult of all, can we love that person who is just a plain asshole?

Just what kind of love are we asked to give? Tender love would be casting pearls at swine because odds are it is they not we who are the problem. The best response is tough love. This takes more courage and emotional control than most can muster. If we turn away because it is too troublesome, or in haughtiness, then according to Paul we fail the Christian calling.

We fail because in our moment of stirred passion, we instinctively revert to the reptilian side of our brain. We think Paul's admonitions are hollow words. Or that they don't work in modern times. But the truth is we fail to understand the deeper meaning of the message... Christ's message... in the higher part of our brain. And so we surrender to our base impulses to strike back at our enemies, either real or perceived. I confess my immediate impulse is to hurt them worse than they hurt me. I know that while this may feel good in the moment, it rarely makes anything better in the long run. It takes an educated and disciplined mind to figure out how to "love" an enemy. I would go so far as to say it happens so rarely that when it does, the enemy is so completely taken aback that he has no idea what to do.

Arcane Biblical teaching aside, if you ask me, we all think it "feels better" to hurt our enemies. Slice the loaf any way you like; in these instances it is our courage and intellect which fail us.
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