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I’m not proud of it; advertising is in my blood. After 40 years in the business, you can’t just transfuse it out of your system. Not even wash it out with Tide or Drano.
Now that I’m retired from the Mad Man biz, I cringe at the obvious ploys in tv commercials. After all, I was one of the creative guys who was paid to come up with these ploys. I must have been good at it because I have all kinds of awards telling me I was. Of course, I like to think my ploys were really far more subtle, more clever than what we see in most ads. Oh, I’m not talking about the expensive Super Bowl Sunday ads, but your average packaged goods spots running ad nauseum on your favorite sponsored tv shows. You know, the kind of tv commercials you see over-and-over touting things like men’s anti-dandruff shampoo, or men’s hair coloring, even ways to get your T levels... well... up.
Truthfully, I don’t watch much tv anymore. I have come to kind of hate it. What little tv I do watch is mostly news oriented. Maybe an occasional Andy Griffith Show or Star Trek re-run. It’s on these shows that I see such products being advertised. Obviously there are a lot of balding, grey-haired guys with dandruff and “low T” watching Bill O'Reilly and Captain Kirk. Trust me, advertisers know who’s watching the shows they advertise on.
I recall one classically bad commercial which showed a handsome 45-ish fellow in a book shoppe. He’s reading while looking very sophisticated in his English tweed blazer, when an attractive woman approaches him. The look on her face says it all: Ooo... good-looking guy... no wedding band... and he reads! Thank you God.
Like a raven, dripping pre-digestive saliva, she swoops down on her prey. However, in the last second before she sinks her claws into him, just as he looks up at her and we read the Hellllo, babe, well-dressed, pretty face, long legs, maybe even rich look on his face, he suddenly commits a terrible faux pas. He reaches up and, horror of horrors, scratches his scalp.
The woman reels back as if she’s seeing large open scabs oozing leprosy-bearing pus. Her smile dissolves into a look of pity, and the poor man suddenly feels like the Geiko lizard.
Now what is this commercial saying to men? #1 Dandruff flakes are a turn-off to women. #2 If you are flakey, at least be discreet enough to avoid scratching just as a hottie approaches... especially after you’ve gone through all the trouble of hanging out in a money-losing book shoppes, wearing damnable itchy blazers. No. Shampoo with our product, rush back to that book shoppe and, buddy, you won’t be goin’ home alone again.
And what is it saying to women? Go trolling for a man in a money-losing book shoppe. Or maybe a book reading or coffee klatch. If you spot a good looking hunk who dresses well, is obviously literate, drives a nice car, owns a fine house, is available, is wealthy enough to spend his time perusing the latest books, isn’t gay, and seems glad to see you... set all that aside if he scratches his head... run, girl run! He’s obviously one step away from membership in the unclean walking dead club.
And what about all those tv ad bald guys? Run, girls, run! Grey hair? Augggggh! Incontinent? Hellllllp! Erectile dysfunction? Bleccccch! Smokes? Whew, break out the breath mints! Restless leg syndrome? Gagggg! Arthritic? Yuckkkk! Loose dentures? Phluggggh! Less than white teeth? Poooey! Morbidly overweight? Runnnnn! Diabetic? Katie, bar the door! Post-nasal drip? Mucus issues? Bad breath? Foot odor? Rosacea? Psoriasis? Falling down a lot? Inability to fall asleep or stay asleep? Snoring? Wearing old fashioned glasses? Unable to book a hotel room in six seconds? Wrong credit card? Wrong car? Wrong shoes? Wrong cereal? Wrong beer? Wrong after shave? Can't carry a tune or dance? Roots for the wrong team? Has a slow connection on his smart phone? Well, hold up a crucifix, girl, carry some birch stakes in your handbag and pray you escape before it’s too late.
Did I leave any unpleasant vicissitudes out? Of course. The list of feminine products designed for feminine issues is long and equally unappetizing, but in the interests of decorum (and not wanting Walter Cronkite to spin in his grave) I will pass over them.
If “real” people were as callous as characters in package goods tv commercials, it would be by only the sheerest, most astronomically high improbability (no matter what Eharmony might claim)... that any two people would ever meet and find themselves attracted to one another long enough to get past any of the above advertised warning signs. Men would never have to worry whether or not they are “ready” for those intimate moments brought on by such things as mulching your roses, furniture polishing or reading; you’d never hear anyone you’re with singing “I had the time of my life — do it all again!” at Sandals or aboard any cruise ship.
The enormous success of packaged goods companies like P&G and Lever proves at least one thing: few among us are ever free from things that make others go Augggggh! Helllp! Bleccccch! Gagggg! Yuckkkk! or Poooey!?
