8.20.2014

GRILLING REV AL SHARPTONGUE







WHITE INTERVIEWER: Reverand Al, welcome... you’re lookin’ good... all that weight loss... and I love that coat. Is it ermine?

AL: Dat’s racist! This ain’t Herman’s coat. It’s mine, sucker.

No, it was a sincere compliment. Honest.

 Sincere? Then where’s my fresh veggie plate? I axed fo fresh veggies. I cain’t do no interview widdout celery. And just a tahnny bit o’ foie gras. I gotta have my pâté.

It’s on the way, Reverend. But I thought you cut out eating meat...

It’s liver, igonamus, educate yo’seff.

Goose liver is meat, Reverend

Long as it ain’t white meat (heheh).

Good one, Rev.

Now, before I ask about all your visits to the Obama White House, I’ve heard you’ve been having trouble reading your teleprompter. Is it time for you to brush up on your English? Here’s a recent example:



Das disrestressfil! Is it my fall if the show producers cain’t spell ebonicals correctilly. Well? Ain-it? And what business is it of y’all’s how miny tahms I been to the White House?

It’s everybody’s White House.

Not now it ain’t.

Now Reverend, we’ve heard over and over again from black leaders that we need to have an honest conversation about race in this country, but we never seem to be able to do it. Why do you think that is?

They right. We cain’t! Oh, carrots too. I need carrots. Peeled. Now all that aside, we cain’t have no honest diamalog wit white folks. All y’all wants is to keep us down.

Way-way-wait. Keeping you down? What about the fancy limo that drove you here. You’re wearing an expensive suit... and I like your tie... is that one of Trump’s exclusive designs?

I wouldn’t wear no ugly ass tie with that dude’s name on it. He a rich white racist like all you white folks. Axing for Obama’s birth certi– certi– filate like he done. Ain’t that racism? Well?

If all of us are racist, how did a black man ever get elected President? I mean a lot of whites had to vote for him.

Sure! They voted fo’ his white half. Millins o’ dumb-ass rednecks figgered a dude named Mitt... Mitt! ...must be some kind o’ black pimp... so they votes fo’ the lesser evil. A half-white guy.

I see. But it sounds like maybe you have a stake in keeping all this racial animus going. After all, if we all get along, you’d be out on the street again finding crimes wherever you see a white man, right? Who’s going to pay for the limos then?

Look, if y’all invited me here just to call me names... okay fine... knock yo’sef out. This be something whites just cain’t understand. ‘Cause you wasn’t slaves!

C’mon Al, neither were you. No African-American living today was ever a slave – except, if you want to believe Rush Limbaugh and others, blacks are slaves to the Democratic Party. No African-American’s parents or even grandparents were slaves. I know you don’t subscribe to facts, Reverend, but the Civil War was in the 1860’s... you know... a hundred and fifty years ago. Not to mention the fact that in America’s past, there were more white slaves here than black! How can we have an honest conversation when you won’t even accept reality?

White reality. 
(Al’s iPhone plays Dixie)
‘Scuse me, I got a impotent call here...
(Al turns his head and whispers into his phone)
Hey, Brotha Barack, whaddup?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeh, okay, bro.
Ah’ll take care of it, done-choo worry.
Meanwhile, can y’all get that damn IRS off my back? Yeh... like you did Gite-ner. Right!
Later.
(turns back to the interview)
Now where was we? Oh yeh, pass the salsa.

Didn’t Rosa Parks and Dr. King and that whole ‘60s civil rights movement start to correct racial injustices of the past?

Black folks still cain’t git jobs. The unreployment rate be high in the hood. Thass why young black men gits into gangs and drugs and shit. Now who fault that? Rich whites, like that Trump and his ties and golf crosses.


Golf courses?

That’s what I said, stupid.

You claim young black men can’t get jobs? Maybe they don’t want jobs? After all, even new immigrants are able to get jobs?



What are you, stupid? Soon as them rich white racists see a job appricant be black, f’get it... they don’t git no job.


Employers say it’s not skin color but the way they dress, the gang tatt’s, ridiculous hats, doing weed during the interview, not being able to read or write well enough, bad attitude and that sort of thing?

How dare you! I don’t see nothin wrong with that. If a white racist cain’t look past super– super– uh– facial fashion, it show a narrow mind. Besides, no self-respectacle black man want to dress like a Trump.

But you’re wearing a nice suit, like The Donald.

It ain’t simular! Mine got cool pain-stripes... and see this little hidden pocket fo’ my piece. I mean if I was carryin’. Not that I carryin’ now, I don’t wanna give yo’ audience the wrong depression. Now look here whitey, where my mo-fo carrots!

Let’s talk serious. You have been criticized for rushing to every site of a tragedy involving white and black; they say you foment confrontations.

There’s a lot of ‘em, tha’s why! And I not inna bidnness of foaming nothin’! The stupid nig... I mean my black brothus and sistuhs... invites me to come.


So that’s why you went to Ferguson?



Damn right. No justice, no peace.



And Trayvon?



Damn right. That handsome young black teenage honor student was cut down in his pride.



Prime?


Whatever. That racist Zimm’en treat him like a sen-class sitzen ‘cause he black. Treat him like a slave. He jus a innocent little boy lookin forwards to a career in astrophys... uh... asso-physicals with a bag o’ Skiltens... uh... Skippits... Sliktins... freakin bag o candy. Then ‘at racist bastid Zimmin cuts him down and leave him to die in the street like a dog.

And the phony Duke rape case?

That was simular. The whole white racist cop sitchy-ayshun need to be over-alled. An don’t bring up that old Tar-wanna Brawley bidness. Thass jus plain race-baitin’.

Over-hauled?

Agreed. They’s too much conflick. White racist po-leece is trigger-happy. They looks at a black man and sees a giant seven-foot gorilla. Okay, maybe the bruthas is a little high on PCP, is that any reason to shoot him twelve times in the haid? No justice, no peace. Mmmm, this pâté is delicious. But I has to watch my diet.


Now, Reverend, I hate to say this, but it really seems that, in your eyes as well as in the eyes of most blacks, no matter how bad the crime, you simply will not admit a black suspect is ever guilty of anything. It’s always the white guy’s fault. White people have no problem admitting another white person is guilty.



Hahaha! That’s cause y’all are guilty allatime. White devils. Hahaha!



What about O.J.?



No thanks, this Pellegrino goes very good with my pâté.



Well, I meant O.J. Simpson, but let’s move along. Why do you think the races can’t seem to get along?


Bush.

George Bush!? Reverend, that was over six years ago.

All that sea-gestation destroyed the newcular black family.

No no no. It wasn’t sequestration. Experts point to Democratic welfare programs, especially those which specified if there was no father in the home, the mother would receive more benefits the more children she had. So fathers abandoned their offspring, left them to the mothers.

Who you callin’ a mutha?

What about the legions of American blacks who are doing very well nowadays? Millionaire sports stars, recording stars, tv personalities, politicians, judges, business leaders and all the rest? Can’t you at least agree there has been some progress?

They all Toms. Uncle Toms. Prolly had white grand-daddies hepping. Except sports stars and rappers. They cool.

Sorry we’re out of time, Reverand. It’s been real, uh, well... wish I could say I learned something.

That cause you cain’t reason with white folks. See. Y’all jus’ don’t unstand what it like to be black and how we sees things diffent. We got soul. White folk is like white bread. Bland. Not like this pâté.

Amen, Reverend... uh... you... you dropped a little mayo on your Trump tie...

Damn! An me needin’ to run over to the White House now. Better sen my seckaterry to Bloomies to git me a new tie.

Well, let me miss ya, Whitey.