It probably happened sometime in the summer of 1999, before the Bush/Gore presidential race. It obviously was a clandestine meeting, probably at Cheney's ranch. Cheney would have had the CEOs of the major oil companies in for breakfast, playing "good cop" to GW's "bad cop." Of course GW wasn't there. Just in case word of the meeting leaked. He'd have some plausible deniability. Maybe it happened while George was giving a major speech somewhere public so he had an airtight alibi.
The CEOs and Cheney would have been sitting around a large antique wood table at his ranch house. Everyone would have been searched to make sure they weren't carrying recorders or anything else unwelcomed by secret societies. No one else would have been there. No one.
Cheney: "Okay fella's, here's the deal. You put all your weight behind us and here's how it will go down. We get in there and we give you about four or five years to ramp up the price of gas at the pump. You squeeze every dime you can out of the public, make record profits and stash tens of billions into your coffers."
Oil Comany CEO: "And your man is on board with this?"
Cheney: "He is. But only like I said about four or five years worth. Then it's up in the air."
Oil Comany CEO: "I don't get it, why's that?"
Cheney: "Okay, look, if George gets a second term... and the little whippersnapper really means to... his way of avenging his dad's loss to that asshole Clinton... he's gonna make getting the U.S. off our addiction to oil one of his major goals. You know, it's all that leg-a-cy crap."
Five Oil Comany CEOs (all jump up and scream at once): "What!? Off oil!? No frikking way!"
Cheney: "Settle down! Listen up! By then you guys will be raking in windfall profits. You'll be on Easy Street. And it's all legal, don'tcha see? Well, sorta legal anyway. You take a good chunk of that dough and you buy into whatever's gonna replace oil. It'll be something domestic, so we don't have to send another frikking nickel to those frikking Ay-rabs."
Cheney sticks a long piece of well-cooked bacon in his mouth, it crunchs loudly, he looks straight at the CEOs as he raises a clean white linen napkin to pat his lips, then smiles that devilishly cute crooked smile of his.
The CEOs look at one another and suddenly they are all nodding and smiling and reaching for their own bacon.
Oil Comany CEO: "Y'know Dick, maybe that Georgie Boy of yours is smarter than he looks. But why only five years? Think of how much more we can contribute to your campaign if we just kept on going with the big profit thing."
Cheney: "Oh yeh. Dubbya's a lot smarter than that dumb ass Gore. Look, he's smart enough to know that people will take just so much pain at the pump. I tried to get him to stretch it to six or even seven years, but he flew off the handle. He slammed his jelly sandwich down and shook his fist at me... After five years of screwing the public, he yelled, the folks'll demand we hang your damn oil pals, Dick. You know that. So you go to them and you tell them that's the deal. Four, five years tops."
Oil Comany CEO: "Okay, so what's your plan after five years?"
Cheney: "After he gets re-elected in 2004, he waits awhile till you guys are so fat you can't even fit in your suits anymore, then he gets up there, makes a big speech, maybe the State of the Union Speech in 2006, and lays out how we're going to get off our addiction to oil, and stop shoveling dough at those frikkin camel jockeys. Knock 'em down a peg or two. Maybe give the frikkin Jews a break."
Oil Comany CEO: "Sounds like a plan. As long as you can keep feeding us crisis after crisis so we can jack up our prices." All the CEOs nod in agreement. "And, y'know, Dick, I like the sound of that... 'addicted to oil' ... it's got a ring to it."
Cheney: "There ya' go! I knew you fellas would see it our way. You can see the future. That's why you're all CEO's. Think of it this way... you'll be doing something good for your countries, and making a shitload of dough while you're at it. Now how often does that happen?" They all laugh.
Oil Comany CEO: "So give us a hint. Where do we put our chips next? Solar power? Waterfalls? Nu-cue-ler? Windmills?..."
Cheney: "Pfff! That's all whacko environmental crap. Look Dubbya will let us know when the time comes. He figures if he gives it up too early, one of us guys or our big mouth wives will let the cat outta the bag. He doesn't want that. You know how these spoiled brat rich kids are, he's into the 'draaammma' of the whole thing."
Oil Comany CEO (reaches over and offers his hand to Cheney): "Okay Dick. You got yourself a deal. Incidentally, the eggs Benedict were great. You have to give me the recipe."
Cheney (shakes his hand briskly): "Glad you enjoyed breakfast. Now, who's up for a little quail hunting?"
Dumbest Oil Comany CEO: "Dan Quail's here?"
Cheney: (Laughs loudly) "No. Quail. Quail! Birds, (mumbles) you dumb ass." Cheney reaches behind him and grabs his shotgun. He swings it around clumsily and knocks over a pitcher filled with orange juice and shatters several pieces of expensive china.
Oil Comany CEOs (in unison): "Uh, love to Dick, but umm... gee... my helicopter's waiting... gotta go... meetings... you know how it is..."
Cheney (shoves a round into the breach and mumbles to himself): "Chicken shits."
Oil Comany CEO (winks knowlingly at Cheney, sure that Bush/Cheney are headed for the White House): "See you in four years 'Mr Vice President'...." Everyone laughs and shakes Cheney's hand, careful not to get in front of his shotgun.
Cheney sees the fellows out to their waiting helicopters. As they board, he yells above the roar of the chopper rotors: "Now don't you worry boys, we'll come up with some kind of crisis for you to jack up your prices... say by September of 2001."
The choppers lift off and Cheney waves a broad goodbye. He whips out his cell phone, looks around to make sure no-one is within earshot and touches a button.
Cheney: "Dubbya? It's Dick. Tell Laura to start packing her things. We're all going to Washington."
